Friday, February 18, 2011

Would You Like a Sample of my Sperm?

I imagine a Costco sample server saying that very thing and it brings a smile to my face.  Then I imagine myself as the Costco sample server and the smile widens.

You see, providing sperm at the fertility clinic is undignified, but it is bloody hilarious if you have the ability to see it that way.

JK had more than her share of indignities and I could be laughing at those... if I could be both insensitive and dishonest on this blog.


Yep, that is exactly what I meant.  I am trying my best to relay my feelings about these events, both at the time and in retrospect.  The truth is I was too busy admiring JK to laugh.  The way she was able to slog through the hurt, the disappointment, the humiliation.  I could not see funny.  I only saw strong.

Happily, this is me.  Please feel free to laugh until you pee.

*          *          *

Dr. Sipe informed me that I would have to provide a sperm sample.  He said that I could, uh... evoke it offsite, but that I would need to get it to the Fertility Centers of Illinois (FCI) in one hour.  Oh yes, and also that I'd need to store the sample inside my underwear and close to my penis all the while.

Is it odd that I'm storing my spooge almost exactly where it came from?

Did I say, "came from?"  Sorry.  No tasteless pun intended.

So, thinking of the inconvenience and sheer stupidity, I figure I will go to FCI and 'evoke' there.

Why is it that I can not seem to say masturbate?  Masturbate.  As a society, we tend to judge or ridicule people that pleasure themselves.  But, it happens all of the time.  The folks that heap the most ridicule on masturbators are themselves masturbators!

Statistics show that there are 11 million infertile couples in the US alone.  I don't know how many seek treatment.  Imagine that all of them do seek treatment (thus adding to the count).  That's 11 million guys who have had to masturbate on demand.  We are talking about one helluva lot of spooge.

By the way, no lubricant can touch the sample, for fear of invalidating the screen.  No lotion, no oil, no KY Jelly, not even saliva.  Aren't humans made with natural lubricants when we make love?  How do you expect me to pull this off?  I have calluses!

And no, the calluses are not a result of excessive masturbation.

I do know one thing.  I would need inspiration.  I had no idea what sorts of media there might be at FCI?  VCR's?  DVD players?  Naughty movies?  What kind of naughty movies?  Are they hetero?

In the end, I reasoned that I would have to supply my own inspiration.  Movies seemed impractical.  Even a laptop, capable of getting a naughty web site feed, seemed burdensome.  In the end, I decided that I would print a naughty story.

I have an active imagination.  It would be enough.

When I arrived at FCI and was shown the masturbation suite (not a suite really) I was so incredibly glad I had brought something from home!

There were magazines there.  I will remember the appearance of those magazines like a horrific near miss for the rest of my life.  If I had been forced to touch them, soiled as they clearly were, I believe I would have been forced to hand wash like Lady Macbeth until the end of time.  To say nothing of how my genitals would be affected!

I did bring lotion from home, careful to use it only on the shaft.  The story did its job and soon I was ready to provide the sample.  In moments, I was spooging into a sample cup.

Trouble was, there was this little bit hanging off of the edge.

Naturally, I tilted the cup in hopes of guiding the hanging bit back in.  Holy crap!  I was about a millisecond from too late to save the entire emission from splashing onto the floor.  Visions of me scooping the ruined sample back into the cup assaulted my brain.

Imagine the hilarity if I had been forced to repeat this entire experience.

No harm done however.  I closed the cup quickly, unwilling to chance any more screw ups.

In the end, we learned nothing new.  My sperm were plentiful, if slightly lazy.  They would be able to do their job.  The testing would reveal things about JK that would help us in the long run.


  1. I have started reading your blog recently. I love my husband to death but he doesn't really communicate his feelings/frustration with infertility very well. I have always wondered about his experiences 'evoking' and I am glad to see it through a man's eye. I always felt that a man at least gets some pleasure with his tests vs me getting poked and prodded that usually lead to pain. I know see that it is not very pleasurable for you either!

  2. I'm sure my husband could DEFINITELY relate! Luckily, when we did his sperm analysis and 4 IUI's he was able to do his "thing" at home then bring it into the lab. But, with our IVF...he had to do it in their "suite" at the office. He brought in a laptop with a DVD that he could watch, but he did NOT remember the lube! He said it was like masturbating with knives!! Poor guy! I do feel bad for him, even though this is the ONLY thing he is responsible for (technically.) But, he's had his fair share of mis-haps. We had to cancel one IUI because it just wasn't happening for him...he had worked himself up too much! Oh the joys of going through infertility.
    Glad you can have a sense of humor about the whole thing.....

  3. Glad to have the ever elusive Male POV out here!!!! I am the female part of MFI and my husband is always asking about ANY guy's thoughts.
    Welcome to blogging!

  4. Dropping by for ICLW week!
    Nice to see a male blogger! I'm sharing your journey with the Hubs, hoping that this will help him to open up with his feelings about our IF journey.
    If I read your blog correctly, are you blogging about events that already happened over the last 2 years and now you have twins? Look forward to following your journey and hearing more about your successful IF treatment & the twins!

    Happy ICLW week!
    The C's

  5. Dropping by from LFCA...fantastic read! You had me laughing out loud reading your account of invoking the sample...loved it! My husband & I also dealt with MFI in our infertility journey. Great to have a blogger with the male perspective join our ranks! Welcome & Happy ICLW!

  6. Awesome post! I think bringing humour into the "lab" helps quite a lot in this journey. My husband experienced several spooge moments before we finally got our miracle (after several ART, chinese medicine helped us) Welcome to the IF community.

    Here from ICLW #25

  7. ICLW.

    Very funny story (and it's nice to see a male perspective). My husband did his collection at home a few times, but for on appointment he had to go there and took his computer with him. I never asked any more details.

  8. Excellent post! It made me smile. The first time we needed a sample my hubby had to 'evoke' in the fertility clinic's toilet. Half way through someone actually knocked on the door..... :-)
    He did the rest of the samples at home from then on.

  9. This has got to be the most amazing blog post I have read in a long time. I think my husband would get a kick out of reading this as well, since he too had to experience this too.
    I enjoy reading your perspective on Infertility. Thank you for sharing this!!
    Isn't it amazing how you need to delievr the "goods" within a time frame that is nearly impossible.

  10. Hah! This is awesome! My husband did a guest post on my blog on the same subject matter:

    Thank you for blogging. I think you make Mr. Milk feel less alone in the big wide world of IF blogs.

  11. Stopping by from ICLW.....absolutely hysterical post! I love getting the male point-of-view like this, because when my husband tries to give me his point-of-view in the middle of a cycle I'm so not laughing (it'll hurt my melon-size ovaries). Thanks so much for the giggle!

  12. Thanks for the laugh! I read this post aloud to my Beloved, and both of us were killing ourselves laughing.