Monday, March 28, 2011

Dirty Dog

Luke came home with us as a three month old puppy about one year ago.  He had the name Luke at the shelter and it seemed to fit him.  Although I did curse myself later for wrecking any chance we had at twins named Luke and Leia.

One of the most adorable boys on our street is also Luke, coincidentally around our Luke's age.  His sister Livia, the sweetest little girl you could hope to find, dubbed him Luke the Dog.  And happily squeals, "It's Luke the Dog!" whenever she sees him.

Luke is so sweet!  And so cute!  And so very very very very dirty.

This morning's events gave me the inspiration for this post.  We awoke to a stinky house.  Mind you, the WHOLE house.  Luke had puked a little yesterday.  Overnight?  He's crated and it was still everywhere.  All over the crate.  In front.  To the left.  To the right (step it up, step it up, it's alright).  And the smell?  Like old ass that had been left to rot.

I cleaned it up.  And the house still stunk.  Cleaned it again.  Slightly less stink.  Finally disinfected.  And finally, we began to reclaim our house from Luke's puke.

What the hell does any of this matter to Wannabe Dads and Moms?

During our high risk pregnancy, we had many cautions and JK had many limitations.  Thus, I began to take certain jobs over.  Jobs of the gross, stinky, pain-in-the-butt kind.  Ah yes Wannabe Dads, there is likely to be a high risk pregnancy in your future.  And yes, in that pregnancy you will perform many many thankless tasks.

1) Pooper Scooper: Yep!  Poop can be a danger to your unborn babies.  So your wives will be told not to touch!

2) Puke-stodian: Need I say more?  Cleaning dog vomit goes under the same category as above.

3) Dog Walker:  In a high risk pregnancy, her movement may be curtailed.  Your dog will still need exercise however.

4) Errand Boy: Whatever is needed in the house Dude!  Who's going to get it if your wife is laid up?  Luke?  Or whatever your dog's name is?  Experience tells me that no matter what you spend on dog obedience training, your animal will not be up to this.

5) Chauffeur: She is not going to be able to drive Wannabe Dads.  Wakey wakey!  The belly is in the way!  Worse, and on a serious note, a short stop can cause a miscarriage if she is at the wheel.  I have no doubt you would prevent that if you could.

6) Pee-pod Delivery Service: This is a story for later, but I'll simply say that JK peed, and I made sure the pee made it to its destination safely.

7) Forklift: She is not allowed to lift heavy things.

8) Mr. Fix It: Which can be pretty damn tough if you are as inept a Do It Yourself-er as I.

9) Chef: During the pregnancy, I went from kitchen piss boy to Executive Chef.  Of course, I did still cleanup afterward so...

10) Rep: You are about to be invited to a party / wedding / celebration.  And because you are a good Wannabe Dad, you will and must represent your wife.  She should NOT be on her feet for so long!

Stay tuned to The Infertility Guy on  This week will uncover the postseason awards.  Stay tuned Wednesday.

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